meh.

"Life may not be the party we had hoped for; but while we are here we should dance." -unknown

Here we go.  Another mid-year. Another "meh" moment.  Another time that may be nothing at all.
But what if...

I love the what ifs. They are terrifying and exciting. They are triumphant and heartbreaking.  They are what life right now is made of. What ifs and perhapses.

I have a hard time living in the now.  I am really good at past and future.  I can paint myself in really awesome colors from the past: "I lived over seas." "I raced cars." "I played soccer." All true, but all fairly distant from the modern me.

The future seems pretty cool, too. I have big plans: Opening a bar.  Traveling the world.  Finding someone to fall madly in love with (and have him love me too).  My wedding pintrest board is incredible, I must say.

But the now? The now is meh.

The now is being on the cusp of 30 and waiting tables.  The now is having a degree in photography in a world of digitally made pros.  The now is being a year or two too late to get the one I want.


But what if the now is the best part.  I mean. At one point, the now was racing cars, living over seas, and playing soccer.  Did I know then that I was living awesomely? Right now the now is meeting new people, and who knows there that will lead?  Hiking the Appellation Trail tiny bits at a time and getting to practice photography regardless of if I needed that degree or not.

I love How I Met Your Mother for so many reasons.  But one thing that I love is that every moment is great on that show.  In fact, everything that happens on that show may in fact be legen-wait for it-dary. True story.  But the thing that I loved today is that through it all, we know he gets the girl.  We know that though all of Ted's antics, he is going to find that girl with the yellow umbrella.  Today's show had an awesome speech by a german guy with a song in the background that I love (The funeral by band of horses) and I got so much (probably too much) out of it.  It was about not settling. It was about finding the perfect for you.  It was sad and happy and hopeful and amazing.  It was what ifs and perhapses. It made me cry a little. (lame. judge me if you want.)

There is a verse that I half love half hate: Hope deferred makes the heart sick; but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Prov 13:12

Lets hope that the deferred part goes away.  That the now is awesome and journal worthy. And that the future is a tree of life (whatever the hell that means.)

"the past is over. the future is blah blah blah the right now is a gift blah blah somethingerother... present." is that how that quote goes? I don't know.  Maybe I should get that one down.

 But for now, I am going with this one:

"here's the mini cherry on top of that regular cherry on top of that sundae of awesomeness that is my life." -Barney Stinson

My life is pretty awesome.  Even in the meh.