Top 10 for 2014

2014 is wrapping up, and oh what a year.  I would say I was more impacted by music this year than ever before; probably because I had so much more time alone to listen to it.   Here is to re-discovering the old and diving into the new.

I can not wait to see what 2015 has in store for our eardrums.  So many new concert venues up here in ol' CO to check out, too!

2013 was a hard year to follow in the music world, some of my new all time favs came out of last year's geniosity... but here are my top 10 Albums for 2014 (in no particular order... because the order changes with the mood) :

Beck, Morning Phase 

War on Drugs, Lost in the Dream

Phantogram, Voices

Spoon, They Want My Soul

Young the Giant, Mind Over Matter

Fink, Hard Believer

Broods, Evergreen 

The New Pornographers, Brill Busters

Highasakite, Silent Treatment

Hooray for Earth, Racy

be here now.

Intentionality.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

Well let me just tell you:

in·ten·tion·al·i·ty/inˌtenCHəˈnalitē/

noun the fact of being deliberate or purposive. Every year, I have been given a word.  A word that moves and shakes that year.  This year? Intentionality (not much of a mover and shaker if you ask me).  And strangely, it is maybe the most difficult of the words I have heard.  "Abundance."  Now that was a good year.  I can handle that one.  But for some reason, intentionality seems tricky.  Also, you're a little late to the game, Word-Of-The-Year (or maybe I wasn't listening). To me, "intentionality" carries with it a "be here now."  Be present. Be intentional with both actions and (here's the hard one) thoughts.  I had a journal entry the other day that had a bit of an odd juxtaposition; it was a feeling that I really believe to be true but on the other hand also found it to be mildly impossible in my wee mind.  It said, " I feel myself being pulled into something so much greater than myself... and it is fantastic." immediately followed by, "be here now."   Well which is it? Now? Future? Stillness? Pulling?  Yeesh, Word-Of-The-Year, make up your mind!   But there is something startlingly beautiful in this intentional state.  I feel more deeply, it seems.  Feel everything.  Which (if you know me) can be quite dangerous, but it is also good. and necessary.  Is "therapeutic" the word I'm looking for? I don't know. Sure.  It also helps me see where I am going a lot more easily than if I was just bumbling down a path with my eyes closed (duh). If you have been in the dark as to where my life is right now, I recently moved from Texas to Colorado. By myself.  This move has been a tiny bit more terrifying than I had anticipated. A small part of that terror was just the fact that it was all getting away from me. Things were moving and settling and I was just flitting from one thing to the next with the same careless surface-skimming that made this move necessary for me in the fist place.  It was like driving through a garden in a car with the windows rolled up. Yes, I caught glimpses of the beauty.  I was moving forward and could check "saw the garden" off of life's list (no. that is not actually on my list. but you get it.), but I was missing all of the greatness that makes a garden what it is.  I was end goal-ing instead of letting each step add to the adventure and excitement (a habit that has been prevalent for most of my life). So. Here's to this! Breathing. Mountains. Friendships. Fire-pit nights. Journaling. God. 30. Art. Constellations (you know you can see those here? cool.)  Finding myself where I am. Dealing with those skimmed over heart-issues. Adventure. Intentionality. Here.  Final note: I was in yoga the other night (yeah. I do that now. hippy.) and this "in the moment" who-ha was going through my mind.  Well, our cool-down-meditate-center-yourself-lie-on-the-floor-but-don't-fall-asleep song was Ray LaMontagne's "Be Here Now;" A song that I have loved for years, played on repeat, fallen asleep to, and of which I had [apparently] never noted the lyrics.  So, in case you do not know the song of which I speak, here is a video of that bearded beauty singing away.  I recommend lying down on the ground and soaking it in.  It worked for me. Maybe spritz a bit of lavender? Find a sweaty stranger to hang out next to you? I don't know.

I hope you enjoyed it. Namaste. (just kidding. I don't really say that. who do you think I am?) (check back in a month.)  

This is 30.

Well,  away we go. 

A brand new decade to embrace and learn.  I'm going to be honest... 30 hit me harder than I thought it would.  I am not one who cares about numbers or aging; or rather, didn't think that I did.  However, I teared up as the clock struck midnight and I raised a shot glass saying farewell to my lost twenties.  (I played it off with a yawn. Don't worry... no one will know what a baby you are.  Also, I didn't vomacano the shot. so. double win.) 

I got glasses a couple of weeks ago.  I tried to dye my hair purple but just don't have the patience for multiple bleachings... so I got bangs instead.  I got another tattoo.  I finished all of the free Downton Abbys.  I go by Blanche, now.  30, let's do this.

Also, along the lines of some 1/3 life crisis (hey! It ain't mid yet!) I have decided to move to Colorado.  I have less than five months left here... and I am terrified.  I have never been on such a big move before.  Especially not without any friends going with me.  I am taking the fam and although I am very thankful for that, it is not quite the same.  Dad is ecstatic, as is Mom... as am I, I suppose.  But still afraid. 

Afraid that I am going to lose everyone.  Also afraid that it will end up being the same story in a different state;  because as much as it is the change that scares me... it is the change that I so desperately need. 

So, here's to my big girl year (let's hope that only means age. gotta get back to boot camp before the hips start going out).  

Does this mean I have to go by "adult," now?   I duh know... I'll ask my mom. 

"30 is the new 20."  Well, I'm not sure I got so much out of my 20s.  So let's hope 30 is... 30.

Maybe I'll dye my hair purple tomorrow.  Or buy a cat. 

meh.

"Life may not be the party we had hoped for; but while we are here we should dance." -unknown

Here we go.  Another mid-year. Another "meh" moment.  Another time that may be nothing at all.
But what if...

I love the what ifs. They are terrifying and exciting. They are triumphant and heartbreaking.  They are what life right now is made of. What ifs and perhapses.

I have a hard time living in the now.  I am really good at past and future.  I can paint myself in really awesome colors from the past: "I lived over seas." "I raced cars." "I played soccer." All true, but all fairly distant from the modern me.

The future seems pretty cool, too. I have big plans: Opening a bar.  Traveling the world.  Finding someone to fall madly in love with (and have him love me too).  My wedding pintrest board is incredible, I must say.

But the now? The now is meh.

The now is being on the cusp of 30 and waiting tables.  The now is having a degree in photography in a world of digitally made pros.  The now is being a year or two too late to get the one I want.


But what if the now is the best part.  I mean. At one point, the now was racing cars, living over seas, and playing soccer.  Did I know then that I was living awesomely? Right now the now is meeting new people, and who knows there that will lead?  Hiking the Appellation Trail tiny bits at a time and getting to practice photography regardless of if I needed that degree or not.

I love How I Met Your Mother for so many reasons.  But one thing that I love is that every moment is great on that show.  In fact, everything that happens on that show may in fact be legen-wait for it-dary. True story.  But the thing that I loved today is that through it all, we know he gets the girl.  We know that though all of Ted's antics, he is going to find that girl with the yellow umbrella.  Today's show had an awesome speech by a german guy with a song in the background that I love (The funeral by band of horses) and I got so much (probably too much) out of it.  It was about not settling. It was about finding the perfect for you.  It was sad and happy and hopeful and amazing.  It was what ifs and perhapses. It made me cry a little. (lame. judge me if you want.)

There is a verse that I half love half hate: Hope deferred makes the heart sick; but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Prov 13:12

Lets hope that the deferred part goes away.  That the now is awesome and journal worthy. And that the future is a tree of life (whatever the hell that means.)

"the past is over. the future is blah blah blah the right now is a gift blah blah somethingerother... present." is that how that quote goes? I don't know.  Maybe I should get that one down.

 But for now, I am going with this one:

"here's the mini cherry on top of that regular cherry on top of that sundae of awesomeness that is my life." -Barney Stinson

My life is pretty awesome.  Even in the meh.

someday.

I want you to realize I am the one before I realize I am not.

a blank page in an open book.

writing.
writing.
writing.

If i keep doing this will something worth while come out? Is it like trying to figure out someone's name by going through the entire alphabet 'till something rings a bell?

"a... b...br...be...bi...c...d...da...de...di... LINDSAY!"

I am not thinking so.

I have always been able to write. My nightstand of leather-bound ramblings attests to this. So what's up this year that my words have not been legible? I pick up a pen (or a keyboard) and nothing comes out. No truths. No quippy little do-dads. No lovely poetic tidbits. Nadda.

So, an entry on nothing is what we have. In hopes that this will lead to that. And that will be worth something more.

I feel, lately, that I have lost a bit of passion. A passion that is woven into some sort of readable version of myself.  my "openbookiness."

There is this question.  It was asked of me the other day. "what are your three greatest passions?" (or something along those lines.)
My answer:

family.
friends.
creativity.

Maybe these can be written about later.

Passion preludes eloquence.

by then, I will be me.

I will see you in a while.

But for now I will buy myself some flowers.

I will write.

and I will enjoy this middle, undefinable time.

I will see those things differently.

I will figure out what I can fix and what was not mine to hold in the first place.

and I will be totally transformed by the time you come around.