a heavy heart makes one sleep

I found out something about someone, today.

and it made my heart heavy. 

But not in the way I would have thought. 

not in a "well that screws with my plans of bliss" sort of way

but In a

 "there is nothing I can do to fix this forever misconception" sort of way.

In an

 "I hate the hypocrisy that makes people feel this way and turn this way" sort of way. 

In a

 "God, how could you... and I am sorry, God, that they don't know" sort of way.

If they only knew. 

I want to fix it.

It is not my fault.

I want to fix it.

How can I fix it?

I have been devising plans all day.

That is exhausting in an unfixable situation.

That is exhausting when you do not even know the person well enough to have a conversation. 

Let's go back to blissfully unaware. 

one step forward...

Sometimes life feels like it is "full speed ahead!" 

only to find myself three feet from where I started.  

I was finally taught how to fly...

but was not told where to go.

at least I am three feet ahead.

I am somewhere between thankful and bitter.

On the verge of something bigger.

On the verge of something that could change everything. 

somewhere between 

somewhere between 

somewhere between

I am ready for Him to step in and do

  so I do not think I have to.

Step in and be.

  so I can learn to trust.

I am waiting while moving forward. 

timidly trusting... and learning to hope. 

This is a year of completion. 

I do not know what that means. 

But somewhere inside of me I was told this is true. 

a small something...

I had a conversation today. 

It was the most we have ever said.

It was three sentences and a smile. 

and it made me happier than it was meant to. 

she decided to try life as a pearl for a while.

i had a dream. 

in it Jesus came and I was happy. Then he left.

i am glad it was only a dream.

i actually find myself smiling a lot lately. 

giggling, even.

journalling so that i can remember the happy and not only have the bitter recorded. 

i feel God in different ways. sometimes goose bumps and chills. sometimes  a "still small voice." sometimes in an unexpected smile... from myself.  

i got some gifts from my dad this week. (not my "heavenly Father" dad... but my earth dad)

it made me cry.

and smile.

and cry again. 

"Tired of being the oyster, she decided to try life as a pearl for a while"