a heavy heart makes one sleep

I found out something about someone, today.

and it made my heart heavy. 

But not in the way I would have thought. 

not in a "well that screws with my plans of bliss" sort of way

but In a

 "there is nothing I can do to fix this forever misconception" sort of way.

In an

 "I hate the hypocrisy that makes people feel this way and turn this way" sort of way. 

In a

 "God, how could you... and I am sorry, God, that they don't know" sort of way.

If they only knew. 

I want to fix it.

It is not my fault.

I want to fix it.

How can I fix it?

I have been devising plans all day.

That is exhausting in an unfixable situation.

That is exhausting when you do not even know the person well enough to have a conversation. 

Let's go back to blissfully unaware. 

one step forward...

Sometimes life feels like it is "full speed ahead!" 

only to find myself three feet from where I started.  

I was finally taught how to fly...

but was not told where to go.

at least I am three feet ahead.

I am somewhere between thankful and bitter.

On the verge of something bigger.

On the verge of something that could change everything. 

somewhere between 

somewhere between 

somewhere between

I am ready for Him to step in and do

  so I do not think I have to.

Step in and be.

  so I can learn to trust.

I am waiting while moving forward. 

timidly trusting... and learning to hope. 

This is a year of completion. 

I do not know what that means. 

But somewhere inside of me I was told this is true. 

a small something...

I had a conversation today. 

It was the most we have ever said.

It was three sentences and a smile. 

and it made me happier than it was meant to. 

she decided to try life as a pearl for a while.

i had a dream. 

in it Jesus came and I was happy. Then he left.

i am glad it was only a dream.

i actually find myself smiling a lot lately. 

giggling, even.

journalling so that i can remember the happy and not only have the bitter recorded. 

i feel God in different ways. sometimes goose bumps and chills. sometimes  a "still small voice." sometimes in an unexpected smile... from myself.  

i got some gifts from my dad this week. (not my "heavenly Father" dad... but my earth dad)

it made me cry.

and smile.

and cry again. 

"Tired of being the oyster, she decided to try life as a pearl for a while" 

flying again?

"for a long time,  she only flew when she thought no one else was looking."

my life is in jumbles. 

mix matched, missing pieces, and unfamiliar. 

and good.

sometimes "good" is hard recalled. 

more easily:

hard.

strange.

hurting.

falling apart.

but really? good. this is good.

I have had an ellipsis on so many areas that I have worn trenches in the circles I have wandered...  waiting to see if that story was unfinished. waiting to see if it had room to grow.  um. nope.

now there are periods. new sentences. new paragraphs. new pages. new books. new paths. new uncharted direction.  new adventures. new good moments. new doors. new opportunities. new ways to prove Him right, when I had settled that, maybe, He was wrong.  new people. new. new. new.  

I get scared. 

I worry.

I get scared that I did not worry enough... and perhaps THAT was the reason everything changed.  worried that that could be the reason He does not follow through on His promises.  

His promises are "yes" and "amen" and whatever that means... I know it is good. and I am going to hold onto that. even if I have no idea what exactly it is I am holding on to. 

I am holding on to Him. and the fact that He has only good for me. and if that was not good, when I thought it was... or at least it was good enough. then imagine what His good for me is. shoot-dang. 

so, here we go. into uncharted territories. off to new horizons. into new situations. 

up... up... and over there.  flying. even when others may stare. 

sometimes i throw up.

I have an infection on my face.  

It was making me throw up... a lot.  

It hurts and makes me question things. 

Don't worry. I know God is God.

I just am unsure of what that really means, sometimes. 

Who is He to ME, again?

I used to throw up every day. 

not bulimic.

just sad and confused. 

I was in first grade. 

Who has He been to me? 

I know I know this one...

but sometimes I need a reminder. 

just waiting on the reminder, right now. 

I know the flash card will pop up, soon... be flipped over... the answer shown. 

but for now, my answer is (D) none of the above. 

today.

Today:

was told by 5 different people at 5 different separate times, that I looked like crap. thanks. jerks.

was told, while crying about the above statement: "it is time for us both to move on. you need to quit this." insensitive. jerk.

phone was disconnected. jerks.

realized that NONE of my clothes fit me like they did oh... two months ago. skinny jerks.

today life sucked. 

if you could, life, I would appreciate a better tomorrow. thanks. 

maybe tomorrow i will be the life of the party... and the one checked out from across the street... instead of being the fat 'tard sitting next to you. 

[I am trying to reduce my potty mouth. but for those who are not worried about your potty mouths, the word "jerk" may be substituted for other more appropriate descriptions.]